Christmas Number One - pt 2
How To Have The Christmas Number One. Part 111
The Black Arts
Having sounded out a cross-section of potential customers, and consulted our friend Mr Marc Riley of BBC 6Music, we have decided that The Black Arts might be a wiser name-option for December’s orchestrated manoeuvres up the charts, than the originally planned Black Brut. He didn’t seem to think that an association with black magic (memo. Next year we collaborate with The Magic Numbers) would particularly harm our chances, although he didn’t actually specify what he considered our chances to be. But, we have taken his advice, so I’m sorry to say, Sir ‘enry will no longer be invited to appear in our video - although the ghost of Aleister Crowley may well be.
The song is finished – well just about. Acquiring the voice of Eddie Argos has proved problematic. Recording into a laptop and emailing while on tour wasn’t as easy as we imagined. He even tried phoning-in his vocals, which conceptually was brilliant, but sonically - potentially fatal. The b-side (is there a more up to date term than this?) will feature out-takes and extras, just like a dvd. Eddie phoning the studio at the allotted time from a tour-bus hurtling down the autobahn is up there with the Troggs tapes. Fortunately, we are finally securing his delivered in-person voice at teatime on Sunday, then we’ll be ready to roll.
The children’s choir situation resolved itself brilliantly. Having been treated by my friend’s ( perfect age to sing in tune, act sensibly and not go mad ) kids, like the MMR doctor attempting to acquire blood samples at a birthday party, my own dear daughter came up trumps. Costing no more than two dolls from the hospice shop, one Mrs Pepperpot Compendium ( full price ), one x smarties, one x salt’n’vinegar crisps, one x assurance that she will be my sole beneficiary and inherit the lot the second I snuff it, she was wonderful – BBR’s musical stem-cell. With only a few exceptions, she took it seriously, sang in time and often in-tune, discussed her various takes, advised me which she considered were keepers etc. She even made rude remarks about the St Winnifred’s School Choir, then did a take in a broad northern accent.
There are plenty more hurdles before we can sit back and let our accountants take over. We are right up against the deadline for manufacturing, distribution and press, but we’ve still got time. There’s a cover to be done – if we can make it look enough like a decoration, people might just buy it anyway to hang on the tree; a video – Westlife have brought up the entire EU Artificial Snow mountain, so we might have to get ours fro…I almost said South America – which could have been misconstrued as a drug-reference. Competing for Christmas Number One is like running for Prime Minister – it’s a good job all our backgrounds are so squeaky-clean. As far as possible, cynicism has been eradicated from this record. It really would be pointless to make an overtly cynical Christmas single. Slade didn’t, Wizzard didn’t – even though theirs included the sound of a cash-till.
Whatever else Christmas Number One by The Black Arts might be, it is intended as good clean family entertainment – just this once mind.