Old Moore’s Almanac
Old Moore’s Almanac
A very Happy New Year to you all. As we leave 2008 – the year of the Rat, 2009, according to the Chinese Zodiac is the year of the Ox and specializes in producing people who are eccentric, bigoted, and easy to anger. My own predictions for the coming year – and before you scoff, remember that I forecast the economic meltdown at this time last year while Robert Peston was still blowing a party whistle and wearing a paper hat, are as follows:
Fashion will see a return to popularity of the Donkey jacket http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donkey_jacket . Once favoured by labour leaders, the unemployed, and students, these eminently practical garments are going to fly off the shelves. Many will be adorned with the logo ‘Community Payback’ and may be given free by local councils as a reward to their young for acts of bravery.
The blanket will become a popular item – you’ll see a lot of people wrapped in these, sleeping in doorways.
Hirsuteness will make a comeback, for both ladies and gentlemen. Finicky personal grooming will re replaced by rough beards, sideburns and comb-overs for the gents, http://www.holytaco.com/combover-awesomely-bad-photo-gallery and a more natural look for the ladies. Brazilians and Hollywoods will be consigned to the dustbin of history, and nail and spray-on tanning parlours will soon seem as quaint as barbershop surgeons and pick ‘n’ mix counters.
Culturally, community singing is heading for a town square near you. A perfect way to pass an impoverished evening, adorned in the very latest donkey jacket fashions, warmed by a burning brazier and fed with potatoes from the public purse.
The smoking ban will be lifted in a futile attempt to get people back into pubs, but it will be to no avail. Temperance movements will rule the day, http://www.spartacus.schoolnet.co.uk/REtemperance.htm and those unable to abandon the booze will make their own – all that’s required is water, sugar, yeast and some nettles. http://www.jimsbeerkit.co.uk/
The Grey squirrel will become extinct by the autumn, following Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s popularization of squirrel stew. This will lead to a return of the red squirrel, and a brief swell of national pride…until people start eating them as well.
The economy will fragment into regional currencies, almost worthless against the euro, but up on the dollar. House builders will become ever more creative in their attempts to re-ignite the property market, offering alluring incentives such as visits to prostitutes for life…which will fail.
Vince Cable will, once again, be the man to watch in politics, until a newspaper accidentally prints his picture next to one of Bernard Madoff and their resemblance leads to an investigation showing them to be brothers who cooked up the whole economic crisis between them. http://www.finfacts.ie/artman/uploads/2/madoff_SEC_dec122008.jpg
http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Politics/Pix/pictures/2007/12/20/CableMARTINARGLES192.jpg
The death of Margaret Thatcher will be greeted with wild celebrations, but lead to the unfortunate lynching of a man in Newcastle for putting a handbag and a giant blue M and S suit on the Angel of the North http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/Pictures/2006/12/05/angel460.jpg and calling it the Iron Lady. Her fun-filled funeral will be marked by a national holiday, which due to enormous unemployment will be rather unnecessary. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOEq-ImGWJ0
Natural Disasters. Nothing specific in the tea-leaves, just more of the same on-going global calamity. Carbon conscience will quietly recede as people are forced to burn anything they can get their hands on.
Boris Johnson will accidentally dye his hair raven-black.
Music will see the resurgence of the comedy record, Salvation Army bands, and the Wurlitzer Organ http://www.atos-london.freeserve.co.uk/ . Audiences will be less demanding, and will respond well to whistles, funny accents and rude noises; the X-Factor will be won by a priest.
Black Box Recorder will enjoy a very brief return to popularity, cut tragically short by the band being blown to pieces on stage by a cell of ex Brit-Poppers – aggrieved at their portrayal in Luke Haines’s excellent forthcoming book Bad Vibes http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bad-Vibes-Britpop-Part-Downfall/dp/0434018465 – with a device intended only for him, but sadly over-estimating the size of the venue…Hyde Park it aint.
Finally, and I know I predicted this last year, spiritualism looks set to return to polite parlours up and down the country. Receiving advice from the dead will be seen as no more insane than seeking guidance from a financial advisor. http://www.heritagecentermuseum.com/exhibitions/permanent/images/QTMuseumSample.jpg Really finally, Jonathan Ross will be back in January.