There’s a Saw Man Waiting in the Sky

Good evening readers. It’s been an alright day. Nothing spectacular. A quiet respectable autumnal English kind of affair – some rain, some driving and a brief visit to the pub. How different from last night’s shenanigans.
My first glance in the mirror today, showed two inflamed pores on my nose. Not full scale pimples, just slight irregularities beneath the surface. Pre eruptions so to speak. These were easily treated with some delicate squeezing and a dab of TCP.
The reason for them might prove of more interest however. I got quite drunk in the service of my dear friend and erstwhile colleague – Haines. Apparently Haines has got some kind of record coming out…he’s very prolific. Anyway, as a form of promotion for this release, he’d booked himself a live performance, for which I was to act as a special guest in my capacity as a saw player. A bit of saw lends quality to these affairs – it’s exotic, sexy ( in my opinion) and extremely cheap to lug around…although not easy to get aboard aircraft these days. Clenched tightly between my knees, and teased with a bow, it is the sound my loins might make – if they could communicate audibly…is that or is that not a beautiful thought?
Anyway, to cut a long story slightly shorter…no pun intended, I was due to play on three songs, but owing to circumstances beyong my control, missed the middle one, so only graced two with my noise.
I’d become deeply embroiled in conversation back in the dressing room with – as unlikely as it sounds – Bonehead out of Oasis and Mike Joyce from the Smiths. They were involved with the support act – Vinny Peculiar. We reminisced fondly about our days on a bigger stage, deciding that Kilburn’s Lumiere was much nicer than the Brixton Academy..even though none of us believed it. As this was going on, I listened carefully to Haines’characteristically excellent performance, conscious that my presence would soon be required. I have alway prided myself on my professional approach to the business of playing music in a public auditorium, and never before in my long career have I ever got so carried away that I forgot my cue. Strangely, this was the first time. Unfamiliar as I was with the song, it was not until the middle section of Freddie Mills is Dead, that I realised that Haines was playing Freddie Mills is Dead – the very one we’d been working on in the soundcheck. Ironically, Joyce commented that he could imagine a bit of saw on this song – ‘just what it needs’ he said. Of course Rock’n'roll is a fleeting thing, and by the time I’d presented myself stage right, it was over. Still, all was not lost and the rest of the evening passed without further incident.
BTW. The reason for my nasal irregularities – or so I believe, was the large amount of double whiskies I was obliged to consume – all of which were purchased for me by gratelful audience members who’d been moved to generosity by my musicianship and professionalism.

Anyway, I would certainly recommend that you all rush out to your nearest branch of Tescos and purchase a copy of Haines’ new record when it comes out next week. This is not guilt speaking. It really is very good. Goodnight.